WHAT LIES BEYOND
Chapter 19- Hindsight
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So look at who you have become
Why have you become so numb?
Can't you see the things you've done?
And if you think that you're without
Let me remove all forms of doubt
Take one step back, then turn around
I'm standing firm, I won't step down!
"Step Down" by Leader
Why have you become so numb?
Can't you see the things you've done?
And if you think that you're without
Let me remove all forms of doubt
Take one step back, then turn around
I'm standing firm, I won't step down!
"Step Down" by Leader
Day 51
Adam lay passed out in his pod, cleaned up and stripped of his bloodied t-shirt, which still lay on the floor beside the bathroom. Hands in pockets, Kai paced back and forth across the room, nervous energy cascading from his every movement. His brow furrowed deep enough for a double crease to appear--- and creases were a rare sight on Kai's boyish face.
Mira sat cross-legged in her own pod, watching him trek from one side of the room to the other, over and over again. After some time, she released a sad sigh. "Pacing isn't gonna help him wake up faster," she said, voice subdued.
Kai came to a stop, gaze to the floor. "I know," he replied, scuffing his shoe. He turned and looked at Adam's still form, eyes shimmery. "I wish I knew what's wrong with him."
"So do I." Mira rested her chin in her hands and watched Adam, who continued to lie there, unresponsive. Heavy sorrow sat in her belly; she was beginning to lose hope. Just when he was getting better, he got worse. She had been worried enough when he was on the verge of losing his mind a few days ago. And tonight, the very night she'd decided she could let down her guard and accept that Adam was on his way back to health, he'd startled her awake, and she'd run to find him barely conscious, drowning in a pool of his own blood.
Kai kicked the air, face bunched. "He was doing fine! What happened back there?!" he shouted.
Mira shook her head. "Maybe if he wakes up, he can tell us."
"He'll wake up." Kai's voice broke. "He has to. Right?"
Mira didn't respond.
Kai heaved a shuddering sigh. "This... this feels so... familiar, somehow," he said, fighting back the emotion in his voice--- and tears, no doubt.
Mira, too, had tears burning in her eyes. She blinked them away. "We just went through this a few days ago. Of course it feels familiar."
"No. Like... what I just said." He sniffed and bunched his fists, pulling himself together and leveling his voice. "My brain's telling me I've said that before. But in another time and place. Like... outside somewhere." His eyes grew distant. "There's trees. I'm definitely getting trees."
Mira raised her head and fixed Kai with an intrigued expression. "Is this another one of those things you just know?"
Kai nodded. "Feels like it."
"But... when did you say that?"
"I don't know!" Kai snapped. He bit down hard on his lip, then softened his harsh tone. "I just don't. It's a gut feeling. Maybe some loose memory bits, but nothing visible, and nothing I can touch." He crossed his arms. "I really feel like there are trees, but I can't actually picture them for some reason. There's hardly anything there."
"But there is something there." The gears in Mira's head were turning now. A hope--- the tiniest sliver of hope--- lit within her. The gears meshed just right, and something sparked. She snapped her fingers. "Your dreams! Kai, I know I've said this to you before, but... your dreams might be our best chance at figuring out how we got here."
Kai thought about it. "But how?" Then he barked a laugh in disbelief. "And how's that gonna help us?"
"Try describing them to us some time. If they're really repressed, screwed-up memories, we can talk through your dreams and figure out what's silly dream stuff and what's part of an actual memory."
Kai pursed his lips, thoughtful. "Hey, yeah... I guess that kinda makes sense. But how's that supposed to help Adam?"
Mira slid down from her pod, smiling softly. "For one thing, it could answer a few of our burning questions," she said. "And if it does, then... that just might put Adam's mind at ease."
"That sounds great and all, but..." Kai blinked, his blue eyes near vacant. "How? If I could've remembered what all that stuff in my dreams is about, I would've!"
"Not if your memories are repressed. They aren't gone, just... buried. And if your dreams do have some basis in reality, then talking through them will bring that out." She hoped. It was a shot in the dark, but a shot worth taking.
Kai ducked his gaze away, clutching his elbow; he looked more timid than he had in weeks. "Mira, I... I don't want to talk about my dreams." In a quieter voice he added, "I've been trying not to think about them, cause... they freak me out."
Mira nudged his shoulder. "Hey. Don't worry about it. We don't have to talk about it yet." Lowering her voice, she added, "You've got a transmitter to fix, after all."
Kai smiled. "Yeah. Transmitter first." He loosed a sleepy yawn and backed away from Mira, ambling toward his pod. "Speaking of, the guys wanna see me first thing in the morning. I gotta get some more sleep." Kai crawled up into bed. "Keep an eye on Adam for me, OK?"
Mira turned her gaze to where Adam slept, his chest rising and falling as he breathed, peaceful now. Mira lay her hand on his pod. Then she brushed the other down his skinny cheek, heart heavy. "I won't leave his side."
Day 52
"You're quiet today."
Kai glared over his shoulder. Reeve stood behind him, watching him work, while Skeet kept an ear by the door. Kai ignored the defiant pinch in his chest and loosed a sigh, turning back to his job. "If you don't mind, Reeve, I'm trying to concentrate."
Reeve raised both hands. "Hey. I was just sayin'."
Kai continued working. "I've gotta take these screws out just right. If I talk too much, I won't remember where they go." He loosed one tiny screw and lay it down just so beside him, making a mental connection between its place on the floor and the hole he'd just taken it from. Kai had a hard time explaining how that worked; it was all a part of being in the zone.
Reeve had no respect for the zone.
"Why do you have to dismantle it anyway? It just seems like a waste of time."
"Chill out and let the dude work, Reeve," said Skeet. "He said he needs a week, remember?"
"Yeah, and we already lost one of those days trying to find something for Vanessa to think about besides this thing." Reeve tapped his wrist. "Time's ticking."
"You're starting to sound like Adam," Kai grunted. "And not in a good way. Now please shut up so I can concentrate! I work faster without someone hovering over my shoulder, thanks."
Kai felt Reeve tense behind him. Then Skeet spoke up. "Hey Reeve. If he needs quiet, let's just go out to the hall."
Reeve remained silent. After a moment's contemplation, he turned and walked away from Kai. He and Skeet left the room, closing the door behind them. Kai breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe now he could actually think about what he was doing. Although he could still hear Reeve and Skeet conversing outside, it was far less distracting than one of them constantly hovering over his shoulder and criticizing his work method.
I can't wait to be back home in my own workspace.
Another grinding, screeching groan howled from down below, giving Kai pause. He licked his lip, drawing his concentration back to the project at hand. The sounds were getting scarier, but home wasn't far away now. He'd just have to push through and not get freaked out. That was what a man would do. He was a man, and it was about time he started acting like one.
"I'm tellin' ya, dude. It's gettin' worse every day and it's not just me."
Reeve sighed. "Believe me, I know. That's why I don't wanna waste any more time." A pause. "I mentioned the new cracks to Vanessa."
"What did she say?"
"What do you think?" Reeve scoffed. "She's sure we'll get home before it becomes a problem. But the way she was going about it... There was no way."
"We're gonna tell her about the others once Kai gets that thing fixed, right? Cause if she knows the people who can get us out, then..."
"We can't keep it a secret forever. I know." Reeve paused again. "But right now? It's our best shot, bro. Vanessa's too irrational. She can ignore a big problem like the cracks in the stairwell and tell us she's got everything under control. We don't have to follow her lead, and you shouldn't feel pressured to tell her anything."
"Right now I wouldn't tell her anything," said Skeet. "So long as we do tell her later. I hate keepin' secrets. Especially from her..."
"Just don't be a blabbermouth. Don't tell her anything until I say so. She isn't thinking straight. There's no telling what she'll do if she sees that thing dismantled. If she asks about it, lie."
"I'm tired of lyin'," Skeet muttered.
"Lie. It's for the best. We'll tell her the truth later." Reeve sighed. "I'm gonna go check on her. She'll be less suspicious if one of us is with her." His footsteps trailed away from the door.
"Good luck," said Skeet.
Secrets. Kai was tired of secrets too. Vanessa's secrets. Adam's secrets. Whatever secrets his own brain was keeping from him. Mira really wanted to know those secrets too; Kai didn't like to think about them himself, but her challenge kept coming back to him.
Mira and Adam were both smart. Maybe they could make more sense of his dreams than Kai could on his own.
"All right." He loosed the final screw. "Guess we'll talk about my dreams." Removing the guts from the case, Kai chortled. "If only my brain worked like this. I could take out all the pieces, get a good look at everything..."
Wait a minute. I can!
Kai froze. That thought... that was brilliant! The first brilliant thought he'd had in weeks! I can!
Adam woke to a distinct lack of physical pain.
His nose didn't burn. His stomach didn't throb. He could breathe just fine. That last night still stuck with him. Though many of the dream's events were fading from his memory, the feelings of guilt and helplessness clung to him like the stench of blood. Some moments did stick with him, vivid--- like the sight of his friends cowering from him like he was some kind of monster; the sight of them torn up, reduced to faithless, broken shells of their former selves.
All because of me.
Maybe Shadam had been right this whole time. It had been his fear, his paranoia, his irrational thinking that had caused his friends so much anguish. Adam couldn't blame them for distrusting him.
The blood is on my hands.
I happened to them.
Maybe I am the monster they thought I was.
The realization crushed Adam's chest harder than any strike of the Ishibo could. He needed to apologize, if just for his own peace of mind. Blinking the sleep from his eyes, he sat up. He combed his fingers through his hair; it felt disgusting. He needed a nice, hot shower as soon as possible.
The water couldn't wash the blood off his hands, but it needed to be done.
"You're awake! Thank God!" Mira hurried over to him and threw her arms around his neck. "You really scared us. Like... really scared us."
Adam hesitantly hugged her back, with her horrible words from his dream still stuck in his head. After what you did? We'd rather die. He swallowed a lump in his throat. "I..." I left you to die, and then I killed you. Of course I scared you. I'm a monster, and... "I... scared me too."
The true meaning of his words was lost on Mira. She pulled back, looking him over with nothing but kindness and concern. "How do you feel now? Does your stomach hurt any?"
Adam shook his head. "No. Nothing hurts." Nothing physical. On an emotional level, he was writhing. "How about you? How do you feel?"
"Right now? Relieved." She set a hand on his shoulder. "I'm not even worried about getting home right now. I'm just glad you're OK."
So she said. But how could Adam be sure? "So you're not..." Adam rubbed the back of his neck. "You're not angry."
"Why would I be angry?" Mira's eyes slighted right, then forward again. "Maybe I was... kind of hard on you last night." She pulled herself close together, gaze skating to the floor. "I'm sorry if I made you think I... we... were angry. We just..."
"You weren't sure if I was telling the truth." He swallowed. "You didn't trust me."
Mira's silence confirmed Adam's fears. He squeezed his fists tightly.
"Look, Mira..."
Mira raised her head.
Adam hesitated, clenching his jaw. He drew a breath. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for yelling at you, for lying to you, for breaking my promises... for all the times I've treated you and Kai like crap." He sighed. "This whole time I thought I was protecting you guys, when in reality, I was just hurting you. It was never a selfish thing. But... I went too far. I'm the bad guy. And, I apologize. You guys didn't deserve what I've put you through."
He ducked his gaze low. Quietly, he added, "I love you guys. I didn't mean to hurt you, or to break your trust." He chortled bitterly. "All over some hunch."
Mira was silent. Adam's nerves prickled up his spine, anticipating the response, whatever it might be. He desperately hoped it would be forgiveness. He needed it, even though he knew he didn't deserve it.
Monsters don't deserve forgiveness.
"Adam..."
He didn't even look up.
Mira drew a breath. "I'm glad you finally opened up. And... I'm not gonna say it was OK, what you did. But that doesn't make you the bad guy. If anything..." She paused. "Despite all that stuff. If you ever doubted you were a good guy in all this... you apologizing to me like that... just proved you are."
Adam grunted. "I'm not so sure."
"Your conscience proves it," Mira repeated. "You, Adam Delacruz, are a good guy. Hands down."
He lifted his head by a tiny margin. "Mira... I was a terrible person in all this. I lost myself." He sighed. "Yeah, maybe Vanessa was acting a little weird here and there, but the way I was acting, I don't blame her. I can't blame any of them. I... I guess you were right to blow me off."
"But we shouldn't have blown you off. You were right. They were hiding a way out."
Adam snapped to attention. "They... what?"
Mira inhaled steeply. "OK. So... maybe I shouldn't tell you this. Promise me you won't go nuclear, OK?"
Adam swallowed, clenching his fists tight. He relaxed, exhaling that initial burst of stress. "OK."
"Good." Mira hesitated a moment longer before beginning, her eyes darting every which way before settling in his. "Kai found the second transmitter he needs to send a message back home. The other kids have it."
"Still?" Adam's heart thumped in his chest. "You didn't take it from them?"
"No. We're working together to fix it," said Mira. "Well... together with Reeve and Skeet. They haven't told Vanessa we're involved."
"And you didn't tell me either." Adam scoffed. "Why not?"
Mira folded her arms. "Oh, I don't know. Everything you just apologized for?"
Oh. Adam slumped. As terribly as he'd treated the other kids, he couldn't blame Mira for not telling him. Not one bit. His anger simmered back down, then vanished. He dropped his gaze. "I'm sorry. This all would've been over with weeks ago If I'd just... if I hadn't..." He sighed.
"You were doing what you thought would help," said Mira. She lay her hand on his shoulder, prompting him to look up. Her dark eyes shone with sincerity. "Maybe we both should've been listening to each other."
"But I should've listened to you guys first," said Adam, raising his voice. "If it weren't for me we'd be home right now. Me and my paranoia. They probably would've told us about that transmitter if I hadn't been such a jerk." He squeezed his temple, bowing his head. "Vanessa was never the enemy. Maybe it was me the whole time."
"Maybe. But... what's done is done," said Mira. "And Vanessa certainly never offered to help us. She's as much at fault as you are."
"I told her to stay away," Adam muttered, voice hoarse. "If anyone is to blame, it's me."
Mira was silent for a long moment, thoughtful. "You know, neither of us blame you for distrusting Vanessa. You had every right to be suspicious of her."
"I didn't just not trust her, OK!" Adam burst. He tapped his skull. "I let her get to my head. When I was in that state, I..." He hesitated, clenching his fists, searching for the right words. "I felt like she was the one in control. If only I'd just... seen sense, like you guys were telling me to, we all could've been home by now." Adam sank down to the floor, folding his hands in his lap. "I let her get to me, Mira. What kind of leader am I?" He suppressed a sob. "What kind of leader am I if she can just..." The words caught in his throat.
Mira sat down beside him. She searched his face, scrunched up with all the things he wanted to say, but couldn't release. Gentle, she placed her hand on his knee and looked him straight in the eye. Her dove greys shimmered. "A human one."
Adam blinked. Inside him, something clicked back together. His face softened. Human.
"We've never expected you to be perfect. You know that."
I'm human.
Adam nodded. Slowly, but surely, a tiny smile inched onto his face. "Yeah," he croaked. A laugh, short and unsteady, forced its way out. Free. "Yeah, I... I do."
Mira pulled him into a gentle hug, smiling. "So don't you dare forget that again. I'm getting tired of telling you."
Adam didn't fight her, though a bit of his smile faded away again. I wish I could make you that promise, Mira, he thought. I really do. "No guarantees," he said at last. "I'm only human, after all."
All things considered, Adam felt much better by evening. Not perfect, but better. Mira let Kai know that Adam knew about the transmitter, which seemed to lighten Kai's mood as well. And after another heartfelt apology and plea for forgiveness, Kai embraced Adam with a big smile, and all was well between them again. And for an hour, things felt normal--- normal as they ever could have been on the AARC.
Kai was in charge of supper, and he'd cooked something he was really proud of: strawberry pancakes. Mira, a true pancake enthusiast, had made a stack of three and spread butter all over them, top and bottom. Kai had piled his plate high with five and smothered them in whipped cream and sliced banana. Both of them were eager to dig in. Adam had been eager until he'd sat down with his modest two and taken the first bite.
Just when he'd thought he was on the road to recovery, Adam had lost his appetite again. He wasn't hungry. Even worse, he was nauseated. All he wanted to do was lie down and shut his eyes until the feelings passed. But lying down was all he ever felt like doing these last few days.
There was no reason he should still be feeling this way. Adam had gotten more than enough sleep. He'd resolved things with his friends. And Kai's strawberry pancakes really were quite good. But he couldn't enjoy them. They were too red. All he could see in his mind's eye was the blood on his hands. Smell its choking stench. Taste the bitterness on his tongue. His stomach churned. His heart thundered in his ears, dizzying. His head spun, tossed and turned by the restless sea of his mind.
The sea of blood.
Adam almost spewed. He fought down the bile and set the fork down with a sigh. "I can't eat anymore," he said.
"You're only a few bites in," said Mira.
Adam pushed the plate forward and folded his arms. "Yeah, well... that's all I'm doin'." He swallowed his nausea.
"You need to eat, Adam," Mira repeated. She sighed. "How many times do I need to tell you?"
"I heard you the first time." Adam's frown deepened. "It doesn't make me any hungrier."
"Adam." Mira sighed. She set a hand on his shoulder. "You can eat a little more. You have to."
Adam shook his head. He glanced over to Kai, who was shoving down the last of his own serving with enthusiasm. "Kai." Kai paused and looked up, mouth full. Adam nudged his barely-touched plate toward his hungry friend. "Could you finish this for me?"
Kai shook his head, brow furrowed. "No way, dude. Listen to Mira and eat, for goodness' sake."
Adam sighed and slowly dragged the plate back. Of course, the one day he'd offer to let Kai finish his food was the one day Kai would turn down finishing his food.
"You don't have to eat all of it," said Mira. "Just half. Eat the half, and Kai can have the rest if he wants."
Adam glanced at Kai. The boy shrugged. "I'm not touching it until at least halfway, buddy." He finished his last bite of pancake.
Defeated, Adam frowned down at his meal. Perhaps if he stared at it long enough--- reasoned that the red liquid which stained the pancakes was juice, and not blood--- he could force down another bite or two. It's fine, Adam. It won't kill you. You need to gain some strength back. Mira was right; he'd become far too thin. If he lost much more weight he'd be in deep trouble.
He cut another small piece. After a moment of hesitation, he put it in his mouth and slowly began to chew. The pancake no longer tasted like anything, strawberry or otherwise. It stuck to his pallet, and the longer it stayed in his mouth, the more he swore he was chewing on sticky clay. His throat threatened to reject the food when he tried to swallow. The air grew thin again, tightening around his neck. Adam's head almost floated out of his skull.
He forced himself to swallow. The pancakes remained as frustratingly uneaten as before, and they became less appetizing by the second. The bloody slabs of dough jeered at him now, mocking his inability to conquer just the two of them. Adam licked his dry lip. He wished he could eat them. He really did. But he couldn't force his body to take it. Mira and Kai urging him to eat wouldn't force his body to take it. His own mother wouldn't be able to do it.
Adam pushed his plate away and folded his arms with finality. "I can't. I can't eat this."
Kai's face soured with insulted disappointment. He shared a long look with Mira. They had a silent conversation for a few seconds, which ended in a sigh from Mira. "Adam, if you don't like the pancakes..."
"I do like the pancakes. They're delicious." Or they should have been. Adam clenched his fists close to his face, shaking his head. "I just... I can't eat them." He slid the plate back over to a bewildered Kai.
Mira thought for a moment, brow pinched. She picked a banana from the center and set it in front of Adam. "Then try this banana. Eat something."
Adam drew the banana to himself, nodding. "I'll try." It would be soft and easy on the stomach. Best of all, it wasn't oozing red juices all over the place.
Kai hadn't even lifted his fork to touch Adam's offering. He simply stared down at Adam's unfinished food, dejected and hurt. Adam wanted to let him know it wasn't personal; he had nothing against Kai's pancakes, and his inability to eat them said nothing of Kai's ability to cook. But how was he supposed to tell his friend what the problem was without making himself of more concern than he already was? "Sorry, buddy, but the color of the strawberries reminds me of blood"? What sort of excuse was that?
Hadn't he worried them enough this week?
But as Adam worked through the banana, Kai seemed to calm down. Even if it wasn't Kai's cooking creation, he was eating something, and that was better than nothing. Kai retrieved his fork and finally cut into Adam's pancakes. "I'm only finishing them 'cause I hate to see you waste a perfectly good breakfast," he explained. Adam smiled gratefully.
Kai ate a bite and faced Mira. "So, Mira. I was thinking about what you said earlier, about my dreams."
Mira leaned forward, intrigued. "Go on."
Kai's lip bent into a smile. "I have a hunch. The holograms might come in clutch after all!"
Adam raised a confused eyebrow. "Holograms? What about holograms?"
Kai's smile turned into a pleased smirk. "Well, not really holograms. More like non-interactive holoplane imagery." He pointed upward. "Remember the holosynaptic interface in the control room?"
Adam searched his mind for a visual on the device. "Uh... that weird chair in the back of the room?"
Kai snapped his fingers, eyes bright. "Yeah! You sit in the chair and put on the helmet, and other people put on goggles synced with the main unit. Then the helmet connects to your thought waves and creates 3D images of what you're imagining. It uses some variant of VET technology... VET Vision or something like that. You can't feel it or touch it, but it looks totally real. Since I'm... not that great with words and probably couldn't do all those dreams justice just by telling you about them, I---"
Mira pointed at him. "You figured you could show us your dreams!"
Kai grinned. "Bingo!"
"Kai, that's brilliant!"
"Thanks." He rubbed his hands together. "All I need you guys to do is---"
A particularly horrible, grinding creak screamed from below, cutting Kai's words short. Instead of dissipating as it normally would, the grinding only wailed louder, becoming painfully shrill. Adam plugged his ears.
"What's happening?" Mira asked.
"I don't know!" squeaked Kai.
As if things weren't loud enough, a klaxon-like alarm bleated for about three seconds, then ended, followed by a message. "Warning: Oxygen system compromised. Warning: Oxygen system---"
The alert cut itself short. The creaking moan petered out along with it. Adam slowly withdrew his hands from his ears, heart pounding. The three exchanged silent, dreadful glances. Then Kai, white as a sheet, dropped his fork, got up without a word and ran out the door.
"Kai!" Mira took off after him. "What is it?"
Adam jogged after the both of them, equal parts curious and terrified. He chased them through the halls, down to the nearest staircase. Kai led them down the stairs until he stopped about five flights down and peered over the railing. Mira and Adam joined him. Adam blinked several times, certain this sight had to be a visual illusion; surely he was just dizzy from the remarkably thin air. But nothing was spinning; things were just off.
Adam should not have been able to see those stairs at that angle from his position--- and he had a sinking feeling he wasn't going to like whatever had made it so.
Kai bolted further down the stairs, muttering frantically under his breath. His friends exchanged glances and followed him. "Kai, what's wrong?" Mira called.
Kai didn't answer, rushing headlong down toward the crooked portion. At last, around Floor 45, he halted, fighting to catch his breath. He faced his approaching friends and pointed over the rails. "You don't wanna see this," he panted. "But... you'd better look anyway."
Adam took one more fated peek over the rails. His stomach plummeted down to the depths.
The stairs past Floor 40 were crooked--- and a few flights down from there, perhaps around Floor 30, the stairs had been completely dislodged. No, wait--- it wasn't the stairs that were dislodged, but the entire bottom of the staircase. A portion of the wall had crumbled to pieces thanks to the constant strain that elevator chain had put on it--- whose abuse Adam assumed to be the source of the creaking. That very chain floated just within view, through a gap just big enough for Adam to see out into space.
Mira was stricken speechless. Adam drew up the voice to ask, "So... what does this have to do with that oxygen alert?"
Kai nodded, trying hard not to panic. "The backup oxygen unit is maintained from down there, according to the map. The main unit was destroyed with the engine and everything else, so that backup unit's all we've got. And if the bottom of the staircase breaks off, it's... it's..."
Adam stood neck-high in dread. "It's what?"
"It's bad. It's just bad." Kai swallowed hard. "We don't have much time." His gaze flitted back and forth between his friends, eyes wide with terror. "We've gotta get out of this place, and fast!"
"That transmitter is our only way out," said Adam. "What if you can't fix it in time?"
Kai dipped his head. "Then we're screwed."
Adam gulped. Because of me.