WHAT LIES BEYOND
Chapter 15- Dark Shadow
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Lost among the recesses of the undefined
Ethereal psychotic haze
Seemingly endless is the fall
No stable memories to recall
You came and took the rest of them all
No sure warning ever heard
You are fragile
When you expect the pain
Nothing more to ascertain
When you respect the lie
Deadly chasms open wide
"Chasm" by Circle of Dust
Ethereal psychotic haze
Seemingly endless is the fall
No stable memories to recall
You came and took the rest of them all
No sure warning ever heard
You are fragile
When you expect the pain
Nothing more to ascertain
When you respect the lie
Deadly chasms open wide
"Chasm" by Circle of Dust
Adam had come to bed before anyone else. To his own surprise, he had even fallen asleep. But no less than an hour later, he'd awoken in a cold sweat, smothered by the darkness of the room. Kai and Mira slept beside him, their breathing softly stirring the silence. Their presence should have calmed him--- yet Adam had no peace. He tried to fall back into that dreamless slumber--- with no success. He wished he could. It was better than lying awake, frozen; he couldn't move even if he wanted to.
Shadowy hands seized him by the neck. His throat tensed. He drew deep gasps for breath--- sharp contrast to his friends' relaxed breathing. His stomach burned; nauseating twists threatened to purge it of its contents--- only acid, since he hadn't eaten a thing. His heart beat through his skull, hot--- an inferno. Adam swallowed down the urge to vomit. He shivered as a set of cold phantom fingers brushed over his spine. A voice whispered four horrible words into his ear:
"You happened to them."
Adam shot up, eyes wide. The demons scattered at last; he swore he saw the last of their ratlike tails slip beneath the door. Adam squeezed his eyes shut. Too tired... I need to get back to sleep.
Insomnia, creepy dreams, and now sleep paralysis. What other sleep-related issues would he develop before this stupid nightmare ended?
Adam lay back down, eyelids sticking shut. His body begged him to stay put, and its need for rest should have outweighed anything heavy on his mind. But within seconds of burrowing back down into his pillow, his thoughts began to race. They were devoid of words, for once--- but they kept him awake, charging through his head like a bullet train. He was trapped on a broken, out-of-control carousel, circling the same track over and over again. All his body wanted to do was rest. All his head wanted to do was spin.
It only stopped spinning when Adam's eyes were open.
In a violent burst of rage, Adam tore himself from his sleeping position and stormed out of the pod, burning eyes fixed on the door. If his mind refused to let him rest, so be it! It wasn't like he hadn't been through this night after night after night! Surely one more day of this wouldn't kill him.
He threw the door open and slid it shut quietly, but with no less intensity. Then he started to walk. Where he was going, he had no idea.
Anywhere was better than another second spent here fighting himself.
Shadowy hands seized him by the neck. His throat tensed. He drew deep gasps for breath--- sharp contrast to his friends' relaxed breathing. His stomach burned; nauseating twists threatened to purge it of its contents--- only acid, since he hadn't eaten a thing. His heart beat through his skull, hot--- an inferno. Adam swallowed down the urge to vomit. He shivered as a set of cold phantom fingers brushed over his spine. A voice whispered four horrible words into his ear:
"You happened to them."
Adam shot up, eyes wide. The demons scattered at last; he swore he saw the last of their ratlike tails slip beneath the door. Adam squeezed his eyes shut. Too tired... I need to get back to sleep.
Insomnia, creepy dreams, and now sleep paralysis. What other sleep-related issues would he develop before this stupid nightmare ended?
Adam lay back down, eyelids sticking shut. His body begged him to stay put, and its need for rest should have outweighed anything heavy on his mind. But within seconds of burrowing back down into his pillow, his thoughts began to race. They were devoid of words, for once--- but they kept him awake, charging through his head like a bullet train. He was trapped on a broken, out-of-control carousel, circling the same track over and over again. All his body wanted to do was rest. All his head wanted to do was spin.
It only stopped spinning when Adam's eyes were open.
In a violent burst of rage, Adam tore himself from his sleeping position and stormed out of the pod, burning eyes fixed on the door. If his mind refused to let him rest, so be it! It wasn't like he hadn't been through this night after night after night! Surely one more day of this wouldn't kill him.
He threw the door open and slid it shut quietly, but with no less intensity. Then he started to walk. Where he was going, he had no idea.
Anywhere was better than another second spent here fighting himself.
Day 46
Adam was gone again. And this time, he wasn't sitting outside.
Mira told herself she didn't care anymore. Adam wanted to be alone. If that was what would make him happy, she'd let him be. At least, that's what she told herself to keep from going crazy. The desire to drag Kai out of bed and go out searching for him was strong.
She calmed herself; she took deep breaths--- in, out. In, out. Breathe, Mira. She steadied her intake to the peaceful rhythm of Kai's gentle snores. Adam is fine. He's out there somewhere. It's not like he's in any danger... right?
Well... from anyone but himself.
That was what worried her. Not the other kids. Adam's mind had been so disjointed yesterday; there was no telling what he might get himself into if he'd gone through yet another night with so little sleep. She had no idea when he'd gotten up, but it had to have been during the night. Mira hadn't heard a thing this morning, not even the thud of a door.
Reclaiming her center of control, Mira slipped out the door, leaving it open a crack. From there she headed down the hall, resisting the pangs of worry in her chest. Adam couldn't be far. Perhaps by some miracle he'd show up to lunch.
But by the time the morning passed into the afternoon, Mira hadn't seen his face once. And as the afternoon pressed on, her worries only grew. Intensified.
Kai had gotten up around noon, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, excited about what he wanted to do for lunch. Sure, it was just peanut butter sandwiches, but this time it was different. He prattled on to Mira about how he'd screwed up on the consistency controls, and how he now knew why his recipe never turned out quite right, and now he could finally prepare the perfect peanut butter sandwich!
Truth be told, Mira was a bit tired of synthetic peanuts; she was tired of the AARC and its synthetic everything! But, she realized with a pinch of guilt--- at least the simple task of making sandwiches seemed to lift Kai's spirit. He'd been so down the last couple of days; the sight of his optimism as he ran to and fro, chattering while he prepared the meal, made Mira feel that little bit better. Today, Kai's renewed enthusiasm was a bright, flickering candle--- a small beacon of hope in an ever-darkening situation.
But so long as Adam remained distant, Mira could not fully embrace that optimism. And after another Adam-free lunch, Mira's resolve to simply leave Adam be was rapidly slipping away. He needed her. He needed help, and Mira was not one to ignore a friend who needed help, much less her best friend.
A couple of hours after lunch, Mira could take it no longer. She was going to find her wayward friend and help him with whatever was going on in his head, whether he liked it or not. Even if she had to go downstairs and risk getting caught, he was worth that to her.
She set off down the hall, making her way throughout their home floor, checking every nook and hideaway she knew about. She even revisited the kitchen, just in case. But, no surprise, Adam wasn't there. Mira could hear Kai still rattling around in the back, chattering aloud, thoroughly enjoying his newfound hobby of experimental cooking.
At least one of them was having a good time.
Throughout the next hour, Mira made her way up the stairs, searching various floors along the way, until she made it up to the lookout deck. Adam had been going up there to think a lot recently. It was such an obvious place to check that Mira honestly hadn't expected to find him there. But the moment she stepped into the room and saw his messy black hair, shoulders slouched and bony back hunched over, her heart leaped in her chest.
"Adam! There you are."
Adam turned around. The corner of his mouth twitched upward quickly, then flashed back into a dull frown. He watched Mira with interest as she hurried down to join him on the bench. She sat down beside him and let out a sigh. "I was starting to think I'd never find you."
"Well... you found me," Adam rasped.
The two sat in silence for a while; Mira wasn't sure for how long. Adam shifted around several times during that period--- awkward, restless, unsure of what to do. Mira's heart sank. Once upon a time, they'd been able to comfortably sit in silence like this for hours on end. Now something had driven a wedge between them--- such a deep disagreement that their every recent conversation had devolved into an argument.
Just this once, Mira wanted a normal, nonconflicted conversation with her best friend. Though there was no argument yet, the air was tense. Instead of resolving their differences, they sat trapped in this ugly, uncomfortable quiet.
Mira broke the deafening silence. "So... did you get any sleep last night?" She kept her voice gentle.
A tired sigh, and a moment of hesitation. "More than last night," Adam mumbled. "Still not much. I had a lot of weird dreams."
Mira tried to smile. "Do you... want to talk about them?"
Adam shook his head.
Mira sighed. "OK." She waited for half a minute, just in case Adam changed his mind--- but his lips remained sealed. "Hey... we missed you at lunch."
"Wasn't hungry."
Somehow, she knew that'd be his reply. She wanted to reprimand him for continuing to skip meals, but... she'd done that enough, hadn't she? How many times did she need to repeat it before it finally sank into Adam's dense skull? Repeating the problem now, she feared, may lead to another argument. And an argument was the last thing they needed. "Well... we missed you." She managed a tense chuckle. "Kai wanted you to know, he... finally perfected his peanut butter recipe."
Adam forced a smile. "Cool." Silence returned.
Mira bit her lip and ground it with her teeth. She hated this... she hated this so much. She hated seeing Adam in this sorry state, charcoal hair unkempt, eyes shadowed and melancholic, with a persistent frown on his face--- a face that should have been handsome, were it not for his hollowed cheeks and his sickly, pallid skin. She hated that he wouldn't open up to her about what really kept him awake at night.
"Mira, I..."
Was this it? Was he going to open up to her? Mira locked eyes with Adam, who stared back with a worrisome frown on his face. He hesitated, then continued.
"I know you're trying to help. And I appreciate it. But..." His gaze dropped, then flitted aside. "Please... stop."
Mira blinked. "What?"
"Stop trying to help me. Telling me all the ways I'm not OK isn't gonna make me OK, OK?"
A stone fell into Mira's stomach. "...OK."
"I'm working through it as best as I can."
"You don't have to work through it alone," Mira said softly.
Adam sighed; the tension in his breath was tangible. "I just... this is my problem. I'd rather you and Kai not get involved." He pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut. "It's between me and myself... so to speak."
Mira set a hand on his arm. He flinched, but said nothing. "I get that," she said. "But..."
"No." Adam's voice rose. He stared hard into her eyes. "You don't get it. You don't know what it's like to feel responsible for everything, knowing your every move and decision could determine the future well-being of the people you care about. And it's because of me that you and Kai don't have to feel that way." He grabbed Mira's wrist and held it up, dark eyes brimming with buried emotion. "I just need you to trust me!"
"It's not that I don't trust you!" Mira burst, taking her hand back. "I'm just concerned about you. You haven't been yourself. And yes, that's got me worried about you, so I'm gonna ask what's wrong. You'd do the same if you were in my position."
"Look... I know what I'm doing," Adam stressed. "It might look... paranoid, or strange, or misguided to you. I just happen to be dealing with some personal stuff while also trying to make sure nothing comes between us and getting home."
"You mean those other kids."
"Yes. Them." His tone shifted from desperate to dark. "I heard them talking about something they'd found. Sounded like they were trying to fix it. Vanessa's up to something and she hasn't said a thing to us about it. I'm gonna find out what it is; you guys don't have to worry about it."
"We don't worry about it," sighed Mira, her frustration rising higher and higher. "You're the only one who skulks around on their floors looking for ways to accuse them of who-cares-what. You're the one that pushed them away before we ever had a chance to work together. You're the one that neglects food and sleep in favor of chasing some baseless... conspiracy theory about them!"
"It isn't baseless!" Adam argued, brow furrowed. "I heard them talking. Weren't you listening?"
Mira swallowed; perhaps she'd been a bit too harsh. "My point is you're spending too much time worrying about what they're doing instead of focusing on what we need to do to get out of here. And yes, that includes taking care of yourself." Mira fixed him with a stone-cold glare.
"I am focused on getting us out of here," Adam insisted, his voice a restrained growl. "I'm just... trying to keep us all safe too. So what if I miss a few meals here and there?" He scoffed. "Why can't you see it? This is important, Mira!"
Mira was losing her patience this time; she really, well and truly was. "Adam, you---!"
Before she could level her words, Kai jumped through the door and rushed over to them. "Hey Mira! I've been looking all over for ya. Wanna join me for a snack?"
Seriously? How can he even think about eating right now? Mira turned to face Kai and sighed. "Kai, now is not the time for a snack. I'm in the middle of something."
"Yes. It is." Kai looked her straight in the eye. Mira spotted something dead serious on his face, despite the rather lighthearted request. "You. Me. Snacktime. Now. You could use the break and I could use the company." He smiled and tugged her shoulder. "I made something new. Come try it!"
Then it hit her. A ruse. Mira glanced at Adam, whose eyebrow was raised questioningly. "OK," she agreed. "You're right. It's snacktime." She frowned. "We'll finish this conversation later."
Kai practically dragged Mira to the kitchen, without a single word spoken. When they reached the kitchen, Kai collected his latest snack creation from the storage compartment and relayed his tale of how he'd managed to make tea biscuits--- and of his unfortunate inability to make any sort of tea to go with them. At last, the two friends settled down beside each other, each with a few biscuits.
Instead of digging in with his usual vigor, Kai sat still for a few moments. The gears in his head turned behind his eyes. He rested his cheek in one hand and rapped his fingers on the table with the other, eyebrows scrunched as he intensely stared down at his snack. Then he turned those intense electric blues onto Mira. "OK. So you probably already guessed this, but... I didn't just drag you here 'cause I wanted company. We need to talk about Adam."
Mira had guessed as much.
"I heard you guys arguing and... yesterday I saw how he treated Skeet." Kai shook his head in disbelief. "I've never seen him act that way before. Even in the game, when we were up against those guys in an actual competition, he was never that harsh." He hushed his tone and drifted closer to Mira. "Personally? I think he's lost it."
Mira drew back. "Kai!" she exclaimed. "That's rude."
Kai shrugged. "I was just saying. Anyway, it's true."
Mira examined a biscuit. "He's not crazy," she said curtly. "He'd feel better if he'd just take my advice and get some sleep."
"Sure. Yeah, it might help," Kai admitted. "But it might not. I still say he's lost it." He bit the end off a biscuit. "These days he's been more of a jerk than Reeve. And Reeve is like... the king of jerkiness." He snorted.
"Jerk doesn't equal crazy," Mira insisted. Not that he hadn't been acting a bit crazy. Well, crazier than usual--- Adam had always quartered a hot temper beneath that orderly exterior. But this wasn't just his temper--- this was much closer to some form of mental breakdown caused by things like, say... stress! Isolation! Lack of sleep! Surely Kai wasn't blind to that, even if he wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. It didn't take more than a single brain cell to know that there were reasons why people needed sleep.
Kai scoffed. "Whatever the reason, the bottom line is we're both worried about him. So what are we gonna do about it?"
Mira shrugged. "I don't know, Kai. It's not like we can force him to sleep. Too bad we don't have anything that can just... knock him out."
"We could hit him in the head with a metal pole," said Kai, all too casually. Mira glared at him. He lifted his palms in a shrug. "What? It'd knock him out."
"We're trying to calm him down, not give him a concussion."
"It was just a suggestion!" Kai scoffed and shoved the rest of the biscuit into his mouth. "Yeesh."
Ever since his awkward, near heart-to-heart conversation with Mira, Adam had been sick to his stomach. He may have been in the right--- and Mira did need to know when to stop pushing him with grating, repetitive questions--- but she'd been his best friend for three years. They'd had their share of disagreements during that time, but no fracture between them had ever gotten this deep. To make matters worse, he'd lied to her about sleeping--- just to cover his back.
Adam squared his jaw, forcing back the tears. He didn't want her to be angry with him when she inevitably discovered the truth about his all-nighter. He didn't want to drive the gap between them further apart.
Yet that seemed to be the necessary path to walk--- the road of the damned. He could have no peace, no sleep, no comfortable relationships again until he reached the end of his chosen fate. The ships had all been burned. He'd come too far to stop now. Yet his conscience tortured him.
How could he have lied to her like that? She trusted him, and here he was, taking a torch to their friendship, then burying the truth like a coward.
You happened to them.
"Shut up," Adam rumbled, pushing open the door to Floor 57. He'd come home again, but for what? Could he really assuage his guilt by shutting his eyes and trying to sleep? It seemed a feeble excuse for the hole he'd dug himself into. Too much deeper and he'd have his very own grave. Then again, sleeping might get Mira off his back--- for a little while, at least.
He crawled into his pod and lay down. The lights were still on, but Adam didn't want to chance turning them off. The guilt had a better chance of squeezing his neck with the lights off. This is my fault. That was the sentiment which resonated through his head as his eyes slipped shut. That other me is right. I happened to my friends, and it's my fault we're all at each other's throats.
But was he really the one to blame? After all, until the others had shown up, he'd been a reasonable, relatively calm voice throughout the situation. Perhaps it wasn't just this place screwing with his head. It was Vanessa.
Her coldness--- somehow, someway--- had permeated the atmosphere and sunken down into Adam's mind, his will, his emotions. His very soul. Yet somehow he burned hotter than ever, in some psychological--- even spiritual--- rebellion to her icy infiltration. Like a fever fighting a viral infection. Maybe Vanessa's deceptive mind games extended beyond her mistreatment of Kai back in the Hollow. Adam shuddered at the thought.
She was the queen. Everyone else were merely pawns in her evil game.
Adam narrowed his eyes, fists clenched so tightly his chipped nails dug down into his palms. Just what else had that girl masterminded? Her depraved scheme to take advantage of Kai's gullible nature, one piece of his innocent heart at a time, had been child's play compared to this. No human could so thoroughly destroy the psyche of another through mere thought.
How was she pulling this off? How did she make Adam think about her all the time? How did she force him to this point--- the point of insanity--- without so much as raising her voice?
Just one frosty touch of her hand. Was that all it took for her to gain influence over someone's mind? A single touch, and a crack in the wall, where she would begin to worm her way in like the mental parasite she truly was.
A crack in the wall. Insecurity? Fear? Distrust? What was the crack and what was the wall?
Adam groaned, squeezing his tired eyes shut as tightly as he could. He couldn't sleep like this. He couldn't sleep, period. And it was all because of her.
Though driven by hatred, this nasty condition seemed all too similar to how people described getting a crush. Thoughts fixated on one individual, inability to get them off the mind--- sleepless nights awake thinking about the object of obsession. It was a terrible, sickening experience. Adam was glad he didn't get crushes. And hopefully, after this ordeal was over, nobody would ever live rent-free inside his head again.
There was only one way to evict Vanessa, and that was to get her to confess. No more mind games; no more deception. Get rid of that, and Adam would be free of his obsession. Acceptance or rejection, it didn't matter. He just wanted her to confess the truth; for once in her life, to let an honest word or two fall from her lips. Adam wanted the truth more than ever. And so long as he lay here, fixated on his own lie-born misery, he wasn't going to get it.
So much for sleep.
Adam marched his way down to the 50th floor on sheer willpower, sleeplessness buzzing through his ears like a swarm of angry hornets. There was a strength in his limbs like never before, outside of the Hollow--- perhaps his body had granted him one final burst of adrenaline to get this nightmare over with.
His head was on fire, and his eyes burned; there was no way he'd be affected by Vanessa's coldness like this. He was certain even Reeve and Skeet wouldn't be able to get through to him now. They sure wouldn't be able to stop him if he dragged Vanessa aside and interrogated her until she finally broke and told him what he needed her to confess, even if they trapped him in an armlock and yanked him away by force.
Truth.
What was the truth? Vanessa had found a way to escape, no doubt about it; Adam had overheard her discussing it with Reeve. And if he could get her to confess to that, she might confess to something else--- something far more diabolical. The longer Adam thought about it, the more it made sense: She had something to do with being stuck here on the AARC.
Her presence here was no coincidence. She'd known what she was doing this whole time. Her confusion and denial was all an act. She'd been toying with them, exactly the same way she'd toyed with Kai all those weeks ago. And Kai had seen her eye glitch after the Hollow. The eye... and the glitches... and maybe even the virus that had wiped the AARC's systems. It was all somehow tied to her, wasn't it?
Maybe.
And speak of the devil, there she was.
Adam ducked behind one of the corridor beams, pressed flat against the bulkheads. He leaned forward just enough to watch Vanessa through his peripheral. She was alone. With nobody around to look good for, her expression was little more than a neutral frown. She stopped in front of the room, opened the door and slipped inside, softly closing it behind her.
Adam restlessly clenched and unclenched his fists as he strode around the corner, hellbent on breaking down that door. His heart pounded in his ears as the blood rushed into his head, hot and unforgiving. His temple throbbed, and his bloodshot eyes stung worse than ever before. He squeezed them shut and shook his head once, sharply. This has to be done.
But when he reached the door, one hand at the knob, ready to yank it open, he hesitated. I need to do this. But something--- perhaps some remaining strand of cautious common sense--- told him to stop. He needed to cool himself down and go to sleep. Then, once he was able to think straight, he could question Vanessa in a calm and rational way.
No peace, no peace, the shadows whispered to him. No peace until she tells me the truth.
So Adam stiffened his jaw, squared his shoulders and banged on the door. There was no response. Adam growled under his breath. "I know you're in there," he muttered. He knocked on the door again, twice as many times at twice the volume.
"For heavens' sake, stop that!" At last, she threw open the door. Adam stepped in front of her, blocking her way out. She halted and looked up, surprised at first, but her sapphire eyes quickly hardened into ice. "Can I help you?" she asked.
Adam squared his shoulders and stepped in closer. "All right, Vanessa. What are you hiding?"
Vanessa barked an annoyed laugh. "What are you talking about?"
"Don't act all innocent!" snapped Adam. He pointed an accusing finger in her face. "I've heard you sneaking around, talking to Reeve about a device you're fixing. And you've been keeping it a secret from us. I know you're hiding something. There's no point in lying to me about it.”
“So I report to you now?” countered Vanessa. “What we do on our own floor is our business. Right?”
“Not when it could help all of us find a way out of here,” Adam rumbled.
Vanessa narrowed her eyes. “There is nothing going on here to help me and my friends, or you and yours get out of here. And for the record, I thought we’d agreed to stay out of each other’s business. Which was your idea, by the way.” She side-stepped him and tried to push past his looming figure.
Adam stepped in front, cutting her off again. “No. You’re not walking away from this. Not this time,” he growled. Vanessa glared up at him in defiance. “Answers, now. What are you hiding?”
Vanessa growled. “Ugh! Nothing! Get out of my way.” She sharply shoved him aside and marched away.
She’s definitely hiding something.
Adam stormed his way back in front, grabbing her shoulder to stop her. “Just answer the question!”
“I just did!” Vanessa snarled, throwing off Adam’s hand. “I’m not hiding anything. Go back to your floor and stop hassling me, and I might be willing to forget this ever happened.” She pushed him and tried to slip past him again.
Red.
Adam grabbed her by the arm and spun her back to where he could see her, squinting through the reddening haze of his anger. She glared right back at him with daggers in her eyes. They should have hurt, but his clouded mind had numbed him to any pain he might have felt. Vanessa shook herself out of his grip. “What is your problem?”
“Admit it!” Adam shouted. “You found a way out of here and you’re not telling us!”
“What?!” Vanessa scoffed. “If I knew a way out of here I’d have---”
“Left without us!” Adam gave his head a sharp shake. “You were responsible for the glitches too, weren’t you? And you’re the one who brought us here! That’s why you don’t want us to---!”
“You’re insane!” She tried to escape from Adam once more.
The red haze turned pitch black.
Adam seized Vanessa by the arm and clutched tightly. When she struggled, he squeezed it tighter and tighter, until his hand began to tingle. He dragged her back to face him as the enveloping darkness clouded the corners of his eyes. “You’re the one behind this! All of this!” he roared.
“Let go of me!” Vanessa spat, continuing to glare straight into his flinty black eyes.
“NOT UNTIL YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU DID!” Adam’s voice had risen to a near shriek.
“I told you the truth, OK?” Vanessa shouted back, eyes wide. “Now let go!”
“NO!”
“LET GO!” Her voice faltered, ticking up at the end. It sounded like she was in pain. And for a moment, Adam swore he saw the ice in her big blue eyes crack. Fear. It managed to shock Adam into a state of... he didn’t know. He’d just locked up, dark shadows still swirling through his head. Vanessa used the moment to catch her breath and regain her composure. “Your friends really look up to you,” she breathed. Her eyes re-hardened. “Hate to think how they’ll feel about you when they learn you attacked a defenseless girl.”
Stunned, Adam loosened his suffocating grip on Vanessa’s fragile arm. “What? What do you...” She tore herself from his grip and ran away, muttering to herself as she left.
“What a psycho!”
Adam stayed where he stood. His arm fell to his side. The cloud began to lift, and his sane mind began to return. For a moment, he only stood there, wondering what on earth he’d just been doing. Then his conscience struck him like a rock. He sank down to the floor from the sheer weight of it. “What... I just... what did I...” He stammered, unsure of which question he really needed to ask himself. He sighed. “I’m... I’m not a psycho...”
He sank further down to the ground, until he lay prostrate, staring up at the ceiling. Why was everything so bright all of a sudden? Everything was overexposed. He squeezed his eyes shut and re-opened them, then shook his head twice. Was the ceiling supposed to fade in and out like that?
A shadow flitted out the corner of his eye. Adam growled. “Go away.”
You happened to them.
“Go away.”
Lunatic!
“Go away!”
What a psycho!
“GO AWAY!” He choked on his own voice. With a pained sob, Adam rolled to his side, tucking his knees as close to his chest as possible. It wasn’t true. He wasn’t crazy. Vanessa was a liar. She had a secret--- a secret she would take to her grave before she’d let him know. Still... was that worth screaming at her like a madman?
You blew it.
He’d never get a word out of her now.
Lunatic!
“No,” he whispered. “I’m not a lunatic.” So he’d thought.
Now he wasn’t so sure.
Mira told herself she didn't care anymore. Adam wanted to be alone. If that was what would make him happy, she'd let him be. At least, that's what she told herself to keep from going crazy. The desire to drag Kai out of bed and go out searching for him was strong.
She calmed herself; she took deep breaths--- in, out. In, out. Breathe, Mira. She steadied her intake to the peaceful rhythm of Kai's gentle snores. Adam is fine. He's out there somewhere. It's not like he's in any danger... right?
Well... from anyone but himself.
That was what worried her. Not the other kids. Adam's mind had been so disjointed yesterday; there was no telling what he might get himself into if he'd gone through yet another night with so little sleep. She had no idea when he'd gotten up, but it had to have been during the night. Mira hadn't heard a thing this morning, not even the thud of a door.
Reclaiming her center of control, Mira slipped out the door, leaving it open a crack. From there she headed down the hall, resisting the pangs of worry in her chest. Adam couldn't be far. Perhaps by some miracle he'd show up to lunch.
But by the time the morning passed into the afternoon, Mira hadn't seen his face once. And as the afternoon pressed on, her worries only grew. Intensified.
Kai had gotten up around noon, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, excited about what he wanted to do for lunch. Sure, it was just peanut butter sandwiches, but this time it was different. He prattled on to Mira about how he'd screwed up on the consistency controls, and how he now knew why his recipe never turned out quite right, and now he could finally prepare the perfect peanut butter sandwich!
Truth be told, Mira was a bit tired of synthetic peanuts; she was tired of the AARC and its synthetic everything! But, she realized with a pinch of guilt--- at least the simple task of making sandwiches seemed to lift Kai's spirit. He'd been so down the last couple of days; the sight of his optimism as he ran to and fro, chattering while he prepared the meal, made Mira feel that little bit better. Today, Kai's renewed enthusiasm was a bright, flickering candle--- a small beacon of hope in an ever-darkening situation.
But so long as Adam remained distant, Mira could not fully embrace that optimism. And after another Adam-free lunch, Mira's resolve to simply leave Adam be was rapidly slipping away. He needed her. He needed help, and Mira was not one to ignore a friend who needed help, much less her best friend.
A couple of hours after lunch, Mira could take it no longer. She was going to find her wayward friend and help him with whatever was going on in his head, whether he liked it or not. Even if she had to go downstairs and risk getting caught, he was worth that to her.
She set off down the hall, making her way throughout their home floor, checking every nook and hideaway she knew about. She even revisited the kitchen, just in case. But, no surprise, Adam wasn't there. Mira could hear Kai still rattling around in the back, chattering aloud, thoroughly enjoying his newfound hobby of experimental cooking.
At least one of them was having a good time.
Throughout the next hour, Mira made her way up the stairs, searching various floors along the way, until she made it up to the lookout deck. Adam had been going up there to think a lot recently. It was such an obvious place to check that Mira honestly hadn't expected to find him there. But the moment she stepped into the room and saw his messy black hair, shoulders slouched and bony back hunched over, her heart leaped in her chest.
"Adam! There you are."
Adam turned around. The corner of his mouth twitched upward quickly, then flashed back into a dull frown. He watched Mira with interest as she hurried down to join him on the bench. She sat down beside him and let out a sigh. "I was starting to think I'd never find you."
"Well... you found me," Adam rasped.
The two sat in silence for a while; Mira wasn't sure for how long. Adam shifted around several times during that period--- awkward, restless, unsure of what to do. Mira's heart sank. Once upon a time, they'd been able to comfortably sit in silence like this for hours on end. Now something had driven a wedge between them--- such a deep disagreement that their every recent conversation had devolved into an argument.
Just this once, Mira wanted a normal, nonconflicted conversation with her best friend. Though there was no argument yet, the air was tense. Instead of resolving their differences, they sat trapped in this ugly, uncomfortable quiet.
Mira broke the deafening silence. "So... did you get any sleep last night?" She kept her voice gentle.
A tired sigh, and a moment of hesitation. "More than last night," Adam mumbled. "Still not much. I had a lot of weird dreams."
Mira tried to smile. "Do you... want to talk about them?"
Adam shook his head.
Mira sighed. "OK." She waited for half a minute, just in case Adam changed his mind--- but his lips remained sealed. "Hey... we missed you at lunch."
"Wasn't hungry."
Somehow, she knew that'd be his reply. She wanted to reprimand him for continuing to skip meals, but... she'd done that enough, hadn't she? How many times did she need to repeat it before it finally sank into Adam's dense skull? Repeating the problem now, she feared, may lead to another argument. And an argument was the last thing they needed. "Well... we missed you." She managed a tense chuckle. "Kai wanted you to know, he... finally perfected his peanut butter recipe."
Adam forced a smile. "Cool." Silence returned.
Mira bit her lip and ground it with her teeth. She hated this... she hated this so much. She hated seeing Adam in this sorry state, charcoal hair unkempt, eyes shadowed and melancholic, with a persistent frown on his face--- a face that should have been handsome, were it not for his hollowed cheeks and his sickly, pallid skin. She hated that he wouldn't open up to her about what really kept him awake at night.
"Mira, I..."
Was this it? Was he going to open up to her? Mira locked eyes with Adam, who stared back with a worrisome frown on his face. He hesitated, then continued.
"I know you're trying to help. And I appreciate it. But..." His gaze dropped, then flitted aside. "Please... stop."
Mira blinked. "What?"
"Stop trying to help me. Telling me all the ways I'm not OK isn't gonna make me OK, OK?"
A stone fell into Mira's stomach. "...OK."
"I'm working through it as best as I can."
"You don't have to work through it alone," Mira said softly.
Adam sighed; the tension in his breath was tangible. "I just... this is my problem. I'd rather you and Kai not get involved." He pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut. "It's between me and myself... so to speak."
Mira set a hand on his arm. He flinched, but said nothing. "I get that," she said. "But..."
"No." Adam's voice rose. He stared hard into her eyes. "You don't get it. You don't know what it's like to feel responsible for everything, knowing your every move and decision could determine the future well-being of the people you care about. And it's because of me that you and Kai don't have to feel that way." He grabbed Mira's wrist and held it up, dark eyes brimming with buried emotion. "I just need you to trust me!"
"It's not that I don't trust you!" Mira burst, taking her hand back. "I'm just concerned about you. You haven't been yourself. And yes, that's got me worried about you, so I'm gonna ask what's wrong. You'd do the same if you were in my position."
"Look... I know what I'm doing," Adam stressed. "It might look... paranoid, or strange, or misguided to you. I just happen to be dealing with some personal stuff while also trying to make sure nothing comes between us and getting home."
"You mean those other kids."
"Yes. Them." His tone shifted from desperate to dark. "I heard them talking about something they'd found. Sounded like they were trying to fix it. Vanessa's up to something and she hasn't said a thing to us about it. I'm gonna find out what it is; you guys don't have to worry about it."
"We don't worry about it," sighed Mira, her frustration rising higher and higher. "You're the only one who skulks around on their floors looking for ways to accuse them of who-cares-what. You're the one that pushed them away before we ever had a chance to work together. You're the one that neglects food and sleep in favor of chasing some baseless... conspiracy theory about them!"
"It isn't baseless!" Adam argued, brow furrowed. "I heard them talking. Weren't you listening?"
Mira swallowed; perhaps she'd been a bit too harsh. "My point is you're spending too much time worrying about what they're doing instead of focusing on what we need to do to get out of here. And yes, that includes taking care of yourself." Mira fixed him with a stone-cold glare.
"I am focused on getting us out of here," Adam insisted, his voice a restrained growl. "I'm just... trying to keep us all safe too. So what if I miss a few meals here and there?" He scoffed. "Why can't you see it? This is important, Mira!"
Mira was losing her patience this time; she really, well and truly was. "Adam, you---!"
Before she could level her words, Kai jumped through the door and rushed over to them. "Hey Mira! I've been looking all over for ya. Wanna join me for a snack?"
Seriously? How can he even think about eating right now? Mira turned to face Kai and sighed. "Kai, now is not the time for a snack. I'm in the middle of something."
"Yes. It is." Kai looked her straight in the eye. Mira spotted something dead serious on his face, despite the rather lighthearted request. "You. Me. Snacktime. Now. You could use the break and I could use the company." He smiled and tugged her shoulder. "I made something new. Come try it!"
Then it hit her. A ruse. Mira glanced at Adam, whose eyebrow was raised questioningly. "OK," she agreed. "You're right. It's snacktime." She frowned. "We'll finish this conversation later."
Kai practically dragged Mira to the kitchen, without a single word spoken. When they reached the kitchen, Kai collected his latest snack creation from the storage compartment and relayed his tale of how he'd managed to make tea biscuits--- and of his unfortunate inability to make any sort of tea to go with them. At last, the two friends settled down beside each other, each with a few biscuits.
Instead of digging in with his usual vigor, Kai sat still for a few moments. The gears in his head turned behind his eyes. He rested his cheek in one hand and rapped his fingers on the table with the other, eyebrows scrunched as he intensely stared down at his snack. Then he turned those intense electric blues onto Mira. "OK. So you probably already guessed this, but... I didn't just drag you here 'cause I wanted company. We need to talk about Adam."
Mira had guessed as much.
"I heard you guys arguing and... yesterday I saw how he treated Skeet." Kai shook his head in disbelief. "I've never seen him act that way before. Even in the game, when we were up against those guys in an actual competition, he was never that harsh." He hushed his tone and drifted closer to Mira. "Personally? I think he's lost it."
Mira drew back. "Kai!" she exclaimed. "That's rude."
Kai shrugged. "I was just saying. Anyway, it's true."
Mira examined a biscuit. "He's not crazy," she said curtly. "He'd feel better if he'd just take my advice and get some sleep."
"Sure. Yeah, it might help," Kai admitted. "But it might not. I still say he's lost it." He bit the end off a biscuit. "These days he's been more of a jerk than Reeve. And Reeve is like... the king of jerkiness." He snorted.
"Jerk doesn't equal crazy," Mira insisted. Not that he hadn't been acting a bit crazy. Well, crazier than usual--- Adam had always quartered a hot temper beneath that orderly exterior. But this wasn't just his temper--- this was much closer to some form of mental breakdown caused by things like, say... stress! Isolation! Lack of sleep! Surely Kai wasn't blind to that, even if he wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. It didn't take more than a single brain cell to know that there were reasons why people needed sleep.
Kai scoffed. "Whatever the reason, the bottom line is we're both worried about him. So what are we gonna do about it?"
Mira shrugged. "I don't know, Kai. It's not like we can force him to sleep. Too bad we don't have anything that can just... knock him out."
"We could hit him in the head with a metal pole," said Kai, all too casually. Mira glared at him. He lifted his palms in a shrug. "What? It'd knock him out."
"We're trying to calm him down, not give him a concussion."
"It was just a suggestion!" Kai scoffed and shoved the rest of the biscuit into his mouth. "Yeesh."
Ever since his awkward, near heart-to-heart conversation with Mira, Adam had been sick to his stomach. He may have been in the right--- and Mira did need to know when to stop pushing him with grating, repetitive questions--- but she'd been his best friend for three years. They'd had their share of disagreements during that time, but no fracture between them had ever gotten this deep. To make matters worse, he'd lied to her about sleeping--- just to cover his back.
Adam squared his jaw, forcing back the tears. He didn't want her to be angry with him when she inevitably discovered the truth about his all-nighter. He didn't want to drive the gap between them further apart.
Yet that seemed to be the necessary path to walk--- the road of the damned. He could have no peace, no sleep, no comfortable relationships again until he reached the end of his chosen fate. The ships had all been burned. He'd come too far to stop now. Yet his conscience tortured him.
How could he have lied to her like that? She trusted him, and here he was, taking a torch to their friendship, then burying the truth like a coward.
You happened to them.
"Shut up," Adam rumbled, pushing open the door to Floor 57. He'd come home again, but for what? Could he really assuage his guilt by shutting his eyes and trying to sleep? It seemed a feeble excuse for the hole he'd dug himself into. Too much deeper and he'd have his very own grave. Then again, sleeping might get Mira off his back--- for a little while, at least.
He crawled into his pod and lay down. The lights were still on, but Adam didn't want to chance turning them off. The guilt had a better chance of squeezing his neck with the lights off. This is my fault. That was the sentiment which resonated through his head as his eyes slipped shut. That other me is right. I happened to my friends, and it's my fault we're all at each other's throats.
But was he really the one to blame? After all, until the others had shown up, he'd been a reasonable, relatively calm voice throughout the situation. Perhaps it wasn't just this place screwing with his head. It was Vanessa.
Her coldness--- somehow, someway--- had permeated the atmosphere and sunken down into Adam's mind, his will, his emotions. His very soul. Yet somehow he burned hotter than ever, in some psychological--- even spiritual--- rebellion to her icy infiltration. Like a fever fighting a viral infection. Maybe Vanessa's deceptive mind games extended beyond her mistreatment of Kai back in the Hollow. Adam shuddered at the thought.
She was the queen. Everyone else were merely pawns in her evil game.
Adam narrowed his eyes, fists clenched so tightly his chipped nails dug down into his palms. Just what else had that girl masterminded? Her depraved scheme to take advantage of Kai's gullible nature, one piece of his innocent heart at a time, had been child's play compared to this. No human could so thoroughly destroy the psyche of another through mere thought.
How was she pulling this off? How did she make Adam think about her all the time? How did she force him to this point--- the point of insanity--- without so much as raising her voice?
Just one frosty touch of her hand. Was that all it took for her to gain influence over someone's mind? A single touch, and a crack in the wall, where she would begin to worm her way in like the mental parasite she truly was.
A crack in the wall. Insecurity? Fear? Distrust? What was the crack and what was the wall?
Adam groaned, squeezing his tired eyes shut as tightly as he could. He couldn't sleep like this. He couldn't sleep, period. And it was all because of her.
Though driven by hatred, this nasty condition seemed all too similar to how people described getting a crush. Thoughts fixated on one individual, inability to get them off the mind--- sleepless nights awake thinking about the object of obsession. It was a terrible, sickening experience. Adam was glad he didn't get crushes. And hopefully, after this ordeal was over, nobody would ever live rent-free inside his head again.
There was only one way to evict Vanessa, and that was to get her to confess. No more mind games; no more deception. Get rid of that, and Adam would be free of his obsession. Acceptance or rejection, it didn't matter. He just wanted her to confess the truth; for once in her life, to let an honest word or two fall from her lips. Adam wanted the truth more than ever. And so long as he lay here, fixated on his own lie-born misery, he wasn't going to get it.
So much for sleep.
Adam marched his way down to the 50th floor on sheer willpower, sleeplessness buzzing through his ears like a swarm of angry hornets. There was a strength in his limbs like never before, outside of the Hollow--- perhaps his body had granted him one final burst of adrenaline to get this nightmare over with.
His head was on fire, and his eyes burned; there was no way he'd be affected by Vanessa's coldness like this. He was certain even Reeve and Skeet wouldn't be able to get through to him now. They sure wouldn't be able to stop him if he dragged Vanessa aside and interrogated her until she finally broke and told him what he needed her to confess, even if they trapped him in an armlock and yanked him away by force.
Truth.
What was the truth? Vanessa had found a way to escape, no doubt about it; Adam had overheard her discussing it with Reeve. And if he could get her to confess to that, she might confess to something else--- something far more diabolical. The longer Adam thought about it, the more it made sense: She had something to do with being stuck here on the AARC.
Her presence here was no coincidence. She'd known what she was doing this whole time. Her confusion and denial was all an act. She'd been toying with them, exactly the same way she'd toyed with Kai all those weeks ago. And Kai had seen her eye glitch after the Hollow. The eye... and the glitches... and maybe even the virus that had wiped the AARC's systems. It was all somehow tied to her, wasn't it?
Maybe.
And speak of the devil, there she was.
Adam ducked behind one of the corridor beams, pressed flat against the bulkheads. He leaned forward just enough to watch Vanessa through his peripheral. She was alone. With nobody around to look good for, her expression was little more than a neutral frown. She stopped in front of the room, opened the door and slipped inside, softly closing it behind her.
Adam restlessly clenched and unclenched his fists as he strode around the corner, hellbent on breaking down that door. His heart pounded in his ears as the blood rushed into his head, hot and unforgiving. His temple throbbed, and his bloodshot eyes stung worse than ever before. He squeezed them shut and shook his head once, sharply. This has to be done.
But when he reached the door, one hand at the knob, ready to yank it open, he hesitated. I need to do this. But something--- perhaps some remaining strand of cautious common sense--- told him to stop. He needed to cool himself down and go to sleep. Then, once he was able to think straight, he could question Vanessa in a calm and rational way.
No peace, no peace, the shadows whispered to him. No peace until she tells me the truth.
So Adam stiffened his jaw, squared his shoulders and banged on the door. There was no response. Adam growled under his breath. "I know you're in there," he muttered. He knocked on the door again, twice as many times at twice the volume.
"For heavens' sake, stop that!" At last, she threw open the door. Adam stepped in front of her, blocking her way out. She halted and looked up, surprised at first, but her sapphire eyes quickly hardened into ice. "Can I help you?" she asked.
Adam squared his shoulders and stepped in closer. "All right, Vanessa. What are you hiding?"
Vanessa barked an annoyed laugh. "What are you talking about?"
"Don't act all innocent!" snapped Adam. He pointed an accusing finger in her face. "I've heard you sneaking around, talking to Reeve about a device you're fixing. And you've been keeping it a secret from us. I know you're hiding something. There's no point in lying to me about it.”
“So I report to you now?” countered Vanessa. “What we do on our own floor is our business. Right?”
“Not when it could help all of us find a way out of here,” Adam rumbled.
Vanessa narrowed her eyes. “There is nothing going on here to help me and my friends, or you and yours get out of here. And for the record, I thought we’d agreed to stay out of each other’s business. Which was your idea, by the way.” She side-stepped him and tried to push past his looming figure.
Adam stepped in front, cutting her off again. “No. You’re not walking away from this. Not this time,” he growled. Vanessa glared up at him in defiance. “Answers, now. What are you hiding?”
Vanessa growled. “Ugh! Nothing! Get out of my way.” She sharply shoved him aside and marched away.
She’s definitely hiding something.
Adam stormed his way back in front, grabbing her shoulder to stop her. “Just answer the question!”
“I just did!” Vanessa snarled, throwing off Adam’s hand. “I’m not hiding anything. Go back to your floor and stop hassling me, and I might be willing to forget this ever happened.” She pushed him and tried to slip past him again.
Red.
Adam grabbed her by the arm and spun her back to where he could see her, squinting through the reddening haze of his anger. She glared right back at him with daggers in her eyes. They should have hurt, but his clouded mind had numbed him to any pain he might have felt. Vanessa shook herself out of his grip. “What is your problem?”
“Admit it!” Adam shouted. “You found a way out of here and you’re not telling us!”
“What?!” Vanessa scoffed. “If I knew a way out of here I’d have---”
“Left without us!” Adam gave his head a sharp shake. “You were responsible for the glitches too, weren’t you? And you’re the one who brought us here! That’s why you don’t want us to---!”
“You’re insane!” She tried to escape from Adam once more.
The red haze turned pitch black.
Adam seized Vanessa by the arm and clutched tightly. When she struggled, he squeezed it tighter and tighter, until his hand began to tingle. He dragged her back to face him as the enveloping darkness clouded the corners of his eyes. “You’re the one behind this! All of this!” he roared.
“Let go of me!” Vanessa spat, continuing to glare straight into his flinty black eyes.
“NOT UNTIL YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU DID!” Adam’s voice had risen to a near shriek.
“I told you the truth, OK?” Vanessa shouted back, eyes wide. “Now let go!”
“NO!”
“LET GO!” Her voice faltered, ticking up at the end. It sounded like she was in pain. And for a moment, Adam swore he saw the ice in her big blue eyes crack. Fear. It managed to shock Adam into a state of... he didn’t know. He’d just locked up, dark shadows still swirling through his head. Vanessa used the moment to catch her breath and regain her composure. “Your friends really look up to you,” she breathed. Her eyes re-hardened. “Hate to think how they’ll feel about you when they learn you attacked a defenseless girl.”
Stunned, Adam loosened his suffocating grip on Vanessa’s fragile arm. “What? What do you...” She tore herself from his grip and ran away, muttering to herself as she left.
“What a psycho!”
Adam stayed where he stood. His arm fell to his side. The cloud began to lift, and his sane mind began to return. For a moment, he only stood there, wondering what on earth he’d just been doing. Then his conscience struck him like a rock. He sank down to the floor from the sheer weight of it. “What... I just... what did I...” He stammered, unsure of which question he really needed to ask himself. He sighed. “I’m... I’m not a psycho...”
He sank further down to the ground, until he lay prostrate, staring up at the ceiling. Why was everything so bright all of a sudden? Everything was overexposed. He squeezed his eyes shut and re-opened them, then shook his head twice. Was the ceiling supposed to fade in and out like that?
A shadow flitted out the corner of his eye. Adam growled. “Go away.”
You happened to them.
“Go away.”
Lunatic!
“Go away!”
What a psycho!
“GO AWAY!” He choked on his own voice. With a pained sob, Adam rolled to his side, tucking his knees as close to his chest as possible. It wasn’t true. He wasn’t crazy. Vanessa was a liar. She had a secret--- a secret she would take to her grave before she’d let him know. Still... was that worth screaming at her like a madman?
You blew it.
He’d never get a word out of her now.
Lunatic!
“No,” he whispered. “I’m not a lunatic.” So he’d thought.
Now he wasn’t so sure.